Away

She used to cry, feel all alone. Lost in the woods, couldn't find her way home. She didn't feel she'd ever belong. Thought all that she did would always be wrong. But now she can see, what she ought to be is living her life forever happily. She's still alone, but now it's okay. She's fine by herself with the world far away.

So don't worry, and don't fear. She no longer needs you near. She's fine walking this path of one. Cause her journey is almost done.

Soon she won't cry, she won't be alone. She'll still be in the woods, but she'll make it her home. She'll finally feel she truly belongs. And she'll find a way to right all of her wrongs. Cause she's gonna see, what she ought to be, is living her life forever happily. She won't be alone, it's best, she'll be okay. She'll finally find the worlds not so far away.

She won't worry and she won't fear. It won't matter that no one else is near. She'll finish walking this path of one. Cause her waiting will finally be done.

Time

It's amazing how much is the same when so much is different. She expected to feel trapped by the similarities, but instead they remind her of how much she's grown. Those moments that mirror each other are nothing more than reminders that she's already altered the reflection. For better, not worse, change has come - change will continue, and the rest will come, too...

Holes

She wishes they could see, but even though they can't, she's grateful that she can. She sees herself now. The holes that they'll worry about are not the most important ones she has. There is one hole that she must watch diligently. It doesn't grow or shrink, it just is and it is its existence that gives it its power. It will soon be filled by the only thing capable of doing so and it is for that moment that she constantly looks and waits. Others don't understand, but then again, they're not suppose to. If she wanted them to grasp the complexities of her inner workings, she wouldn't write the same way she thinks. But it is because of the hole that she is happy. She understands the power in her right now, the joy in her right now is nothing compared to what's coming. Her least virtuous characteristic is still on display, and yet, she attempts to conquer it daily. She has no choice but to try. Because it is coming, and it is worth the wait, no matter how much longer it is. When she forgets that, she just has to go back to watching the hole. It holds her most important answer. It is a constant reminder that everything is already different. Because now she can see...

Growth

Sometimes you don't realize how much you've changed, until you're faced with a part of yourself that you hadn't seen in awhile and it looks foreign. It's not that it isn't still a part of who you are as you know that it will always be, but the manner in which it manifests itself has changed because you have. So now you have a choice, you can feel bad about it, or you can embrace it. One route will cause you greater misery and wastes time because you'll have to take the other route eventually and do you really want to have to backtrack to get to it? So you embrace it and let it go because who you are is stronger than who you were.

Evil

Seven months later and it's still a part of me... defining me. Tomorrow was suppose to be the day. My sentence over, I was to be released from this miserable prison. I felt joy because for the first time since that man said $5,000, I knew I was about to taste freedom. It represents a part of me that I have been without for seven months. It represents everything that has gone wrong, everything I have lost. It truly is evil because no matter how much hope I build up during the day, no matter how much I want to believe that my life is getting better, as soon as I pull in behind it, I know I'm still broken because it's still there. It reminds me that I am still trapped. The nightmare still isn't over. I won't wake up tomorrow either.

Short

What do you mean, "I'm not Frankie"? Are you sure? Because if I'm not Frankie, then just who am I? Who am I? And where do I go from here?

Inside...Out

She cut herself, you know. She cut herself open and let everything that was inside come rushing out and now she can't put it back. She doesn't want to, anyway. No one understands except for her. That isn't a new thing. It's just that now some of them see what they don't understand. Most of them still don't bother trying. The mask is still there, but it's shallower now. It barely reaches beyond the surface. It no longer covers her soul. There is a danger in that, but there is a greater joy coming because of it, or so she saw... Even if there wasn't... she can't go back now. The hole is too big to close. She's almost inside out, almost...

Waiting

She hated what she'd become,
so she decided to change.
Then those who thought they knew her
started thinkin' she was deranged.
But she's just trying to be
the girl who used to be me-
whose smile was really honest,
had faith in what her eyes couldn't see.

She doesn't know where to go,
can't remember where she's been,
just know she's feeling empty
'cause she just went and lost all her friends.
Cause she was trying to be
the girl who used to be me-
whose smile was really honest
had faith in what her eyes couldn't see.

But she knows she cannot back down
no matter what she may feel,
'cause if she's not moving forward
she'll never reach a moment that's real.
When it'll be easy to be
this girl who's still me-
whose smile is really honest
has faith in what her eyes cannot see.

Then finally she'll be
this girl waiting inside of me-
whose smile is really honest
and has faith in what her eyes cannot see...

Virtuous

She's never thought of herself as virtuous... She freely admits her tendencies... But there is one virtue, unlike so many others, that she has lacked since birth. It's documented that she had it then, but now... it's lost forever it would seem. She has never demonstrated its existence since that fateful day in January. It is not a horrible virtue to be without most days. She functions like a normal being on the outside. Rarely do the effects of her internal destruction see the light of day. It is only on the inside that the worst of her incorrigible tendencies roams freely, painfully about, causing havoc. As if her insides needed something else to work improperly. And to make matters worse, she finds herself attempting to practice this virtue with more than one source of seduction. Poor lost child. The woods are dark and thick within her and even her attempts at virtuous behavior are in vain... She will fail in the end.

She was broken for a long time, but it's over now...

It's not the way they think, you know. Some worry, some fear, but if they really understood her, they wouldn't. She struggled with the truth... it had been so long since she'd felt it... but now that she's accepted it, she can live through the wait... she may shed a tear every now and then... but she knows it will be worth it... in the end...

Lines

Only she would express joy as pain because in her world the line that separates them is thin enough to break with a weak breath. She stands on one side, the pain threading throughout her being, growing stronger, because she knows how infinite the joy will be and she misses what she has not known. She feels it coming - yet she knows the feeling is but a single star to the warmth of the sun. Oh, to meet that sun, to feel the warmth she searched for and know it will not leave. To know she will not lose it... pain, pain waiting for a joy so strong... but she waits... not much longer now, so she waits... for agony to turn to ecstasy.

Gone

You think she's here. You think you see her, but she's already gone. Her mind made up, her soul at peace, finally. She is calm because she knows it won't be long now. The pain is almost at an end, because she won't stay to feel it anymore. She won't feel anything anymore.

Sounds

Have you ever heard a sound that breaks your heart open... a sound that makes your soul ache in its intensity... and yet you find yourself drawn to it... needing it... searching for ways to draw it deeper into yourself... because it is the only thing that brings you comfort...

Needing More

I once believed that I was easily forgotten.

It was the most obvious explanation for why people seemed to think of me only when I was in front of them. "Oh, you should have been there..." "I can't believe you missed..." "Why weren't you with us..." Not until the words were out of their mouths did they realize no one had invited me in the first place. And it happened so often, for so long that I truly believed that I just wasn't very memorable. I accepted it as fact, a fact that burned my throat when I spoke. It tortured my soul. But most of all it broke my heart.

So I ran. Even then I knew I was running away, but I couldn't stop... I couldn't stay... Perhaps if I started over, if I didn't let the past haunt me as it had, if I let go of my own fear, perhaps then I could...maybe then they would...

But it didn't work. Instead of being forgotten, I wasn't even seen. No one could forget me because no one even knew I was there to forget. I was invisible and Ralph Ellison's book made more sense to me than it had all those years ago as I sat forgotten. But I yearned to be seen... to have my presence felt... to be real. I yearned for someone to see me, to not forget me, to want me... but none of that is why I tried. I did it for the one person who never forgot, who always saw, even after all these years.

I did the only thing I could. I stared my past in the eyes and swore it would no longer control me, swore it would no longer stop me and I did something, something I had not done since I was ten years old...

I let someone see me.

And for a moment, I felt real.

But it was just a moment in the woods and the forest quickly closed back around me and I tried, but I could not find the strength again and I put the mask back on before anyone else could see...

Because in the end... all of those who see, leave... It is a horrible catch-22. When I am not seen, I run, when I am seen, they run. And so between dark and light, I am always waiting in the shadow.