Friday, November 28, 2008

Needing More

I once believed that I was easily forgotten.

It was the most obvious explanation for why people seemed to think of me only when I was in front of them. "Oh, you should have been there..." "I can't believe you missed..." "Why weren't you with us..." Not until the words were out of their mouths did they realize no one had invited me in the first place. And it happened so often, for so long that I truly believed that I just wasn't very memorable. I accepted it as fact, a fact that burned my throat when I spoke. It tortured my soul. But most of all it broke my heart.

So I ran. Even then I knew I was running away, but I couldn't stop... I couldn't stay... Perhaps if I started over, if I didn't let the past haunt me as it had, if I let go of my own fear, perhaps then I could...maybe then they would...

But it didn't work. Instead of being forgotten, I wasn't even seen. No one could forget me because no one even knew I was there to forget. I was invisible and Ralph Ellison's book made more sense to me than it had all those years ago as I sat forgotten. But I yearned to be seen... to have my presence felt... to be real. I yearned for someone to see me, to not forget me, to want me... but none of that is why I tried. I did it for the one person who never forgot, who always saw, even after all these years.

I did the only thing I could. I stared my past in the eyes and swore it would no longer control me, swore it would no longer stop me and I did something, something I had not done since I was ten years old...

I let someone see me.

And for a moment, I felt real.

But it was just a moment in the woods and the forest quickly closed back around me and I tried, but I could not find the strength again and I put the mask back on before anyone else could see...

Because in the end... all of those who see, leave... It is a horrible catch-22. When I am not seen, I run, when I am seen, they run. And so between dark and light, I am always waiting in the shadow.

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