Never Forgotten

Quite frequently she rails against the world - screaming at the top of her lungs in writing as she claims that few see her and among those who do even fewer understand... Most of the world punches at the walls she's put up and then scream in horror at the sights and sounds when they break through, piercing her heart like a searing poison. But let it never be thought that she has forgotten those who not only see, not only understand, but also embrace. It is the acceptance and love that those few souls provide that give her the strength to walk among the unseeing. For while the world forces her to hide the depths of her own soul, the few are the light that shine into her hiding place, keeping her safe in the dark, reminding her of the way back out. Without those few, her true self would be lost forever.

And so while she has once again crawled into the cellar; while she hides, waiting with her words, sounds, and vices, she is not alone. For the few wait with her, the few wait for her... to re-emerge and be...

Not Again

You'd think she'd know the road signs by now, have figured out she needed to turn around. But somehow she walked straight into the past. Finding the same moment, a joy that couldn't last. And she's back behind the wall, trying to avoid them all. Cause she tried be, to let them see, but they'll never set her free.

There is always more...

Her life is on repeat again. No, that isn't true...

Ever heard the song Stan by Eminem? Part of the track is lifted from Dido's Thank You. She loves both songs, but that is not the point... They represent her life. Dido is the song her life has been. It's been playing on repeat for years-meet people, people like her, people get to know her, people run away, repeat. So she remixed the record - she ran away, and for awhile she thought she heard a different song. Now she realizes the new song is still sampling from the old one. There's a twist though, a new beat, now no one knows who she is - she won't show them. So they just run away because of who they think she is. She is excluded, always excluded, even among those who call her "friend" and she pretends... pretends she doesn't notice, pretends she doesn't care... all the while burying the real her deeper, praying that the flood of tears won't reach her if she stays far beneath the surface. And the deeper she goes, the less chance there is that she'll ever find a new rhythm... or a real life...

More

I want more than this
So much of life I miss
I'm worth more than this
Got to find my bliss

Is it the people,
the places
the things I still can't see
That cut like
a deep knife
leaving scars all over me
Why can't I
be better
at letting my soul be
When all I
keep wanting
is to set myself free

I want more than this
So much of life I miss
I'm worth more than this
Got to find my bliss

I keep walking
and hoping
that one day I will find
The moment,
the person
who'll bring me peace of mind
Who'll know me
and see me
and never leave me behind
Who won't dream
without me
who'll give my life more time

Because I want more than this
There's so much of life I miss
And I'm worth so much more than this
Life's incomplete till I find my bliss...

Knowing

Some consider her fate impossible, but she speaks of it with a certainty that sounds superior because she knows the truth. Blue will lead her to the sound that will protect her for a lifetime. And finally, she will rest... safe.

Past

It is the lack of fear that causes more concern than having it.
Fear keeps you safe, hardens your heart
Without fear, there are tears and pain because the heart swells
It fills with love and compassion and opens itself
An open heart allows the soul to be breached - dangerous
Who understands the need for fear?

She'd analyzed the words - her own - before, of course... but her perspective was different now. Their meaning changed as her eyes adjusted to her current visions. No longer contradicting them, she now embraced them as truth. Her mind and her path both predetermined...

Bye, now...

She told you what would happen
Warned you that she wouldn't stay
Yet you still wanna act like
You never expected today

She warned you, she don't need you
Now she's gone...
Oh, she warned you, she don't want you
She moved on...

So let go of the memories
Cause she already has
Let go of the heartache
You're already memories past

Oh, she warned you, she don't need you
Now she's gone...
Darling, she warned you, she don't want you
She moved on...

So many reasons for the words. So many souls for them to apply to - with a a plethora of meanings behind them. And she means them in every way imaginable. She's tired of being the forgotten soul. She's tired of being the invisible acquaintance. She's tired of being the reliable shoulder when there's never one for her to rest her head upon. She is on a path to becoming the person she's always wanted to see in the mirror. Everyday, she sees more of who she really is looking back at her - the mask dropping from its long held place. She understands now. The one piece that is still missing is closer than ever before. Her waiting serves a greater purpose and her joy is immeasurable. For all these reasons, it is time to say good-bye. She's not coming back.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

Reminders

She remembers why she wants to let go of everything and everyone, to disappear. She wouldn't be running this time, just leaving. Besides, if no one sees her when she's there, will they even notice when she's gone? She doesn't think so. It won't matter, in the end. So she might as well...