Driving

One must live life the way one drives a car. If you spend all of your time looking in the rear view mirror, you will never be prepared for what is ahead. But if you do not look back every once in awhile, you will not know if you have missed something important. Make sure that everyone in the car with you has the same destination, and accept that sometimes, you are just dropping someone off somewhere on your way. Enjoy the ride while they are with you, and wish them well when they depart. Sometimes, there is traffic and sometimes you have to take detours, but accept these as necessary obstacles that make the journey more interesting. I always figure, if I am not moving as fast as I think I should, there is probably a reason I needed to slow down. No matter what happens, eventually you reach your destination, so fill up the tank and take in the scenery.

Light

I often feel lost in the woods-trapped by my own insecurities. I have always felt, however, that I would find my way out and this has kept me from falling to the ground in despair. Lately, my belief that there is a way out has faded. Perhaps it is the illness, the medication to cure it, or just circumstances beyond my control, but I find that the woods seem to spread farther than ever before-the trees more unfamiliar than I tend to recall. Yet, I realize that as I have spent so much time in the woods, I have found a way to survive, sometimes even thrive in them. For even the darkest forest claims light from above. No longer shall I search for answers before me. No longer shall I mourn the loss of what is past. No longer shall I hang my head in fear - let it rise and feel the light that shows me the way...

I'm tired of being broken, from my head down to my heart
I know I need to heal my body, but I'm not sure where to start
Seems like everything's against me, seems like everyone's running away
Seems like anything I thinks important keeps refusing to stay

All I want, all I need is to rest, is to get back to the soul of me
All I want, all I need is to find the rest of who I'm suppose to be

Passing Thoughts

There are still moments when I shutter, when I feel weak, but I am stronger than those moments so they pass. I still wonder if my feelings are invalid, foolish even, but I know it is your actions that are absurd, not my emotions, so i stand tall. And tomorrow will be better than today, which is already better than yesterday. And so it goes... until eventually, you will be but a passing thought and I will live beyond your moments, secure within my own.

Altered

Her point of view is altered now. She sees the same image in a new light and it pains her a little. Not as much as yesterday, but still more than tomorrow. She will continue to move forward, to move on, until her view is not clouded by her tears but enhanced by her joy.

Maybe tomorrow...

I cannot breathe but that's not new
my pain runs deep because of you
and if you cared perhaps you'd see
how deep the sorrow you're causing me
but today you live as if all is fine
this emptiness only consuming my mind
maybe tomorrow I'll breathe again
but I'll never be able to call you my friend

Ignorance is never bliss

The ignorance of others is often the root of my pain. My soul is covered in the scars of other people's lack of knowledge, about me, about themselves, about the world. What they don't know does hurt me, does break me. And though I shall put myself back together again somehow, I will still be scarred. I will still carry the burden of another's ignorance. I will still be alone...

Waiting Sucks

She waits for blue to lead her to a love that shall always be true...

Sometimes who you are, is better than who you thought you wanted to be... it just takes you awhile to see it.

Music

It forms the beat of life. It drives every cell to be stronger, love deeper, and live better than the day before. Listen and live...

Skin

I did not realize how ill-fitting my skin really was until I saw myself when it fit perfectly. Everything had lead up to that moment and I embraced it, I embraced myself, and I smiled a smile that I had not seen in a lifetime.

Home

She wants to go home... the only one she's ever known. The place that forced her to see she'd grown... she wants to go home.

She'll smile and say she's happy... and for a moment, she might be. But soon she'll find she's lying... or perhaps, the truth she just can't see.

She wants to go home... the only one she's ever known. The place that forced to see she'd grown... she wants to go home.

She knows where home is... and she knows the way, but she still can't find it, even searching all her yesterdays...

And tomorrow she's still gonna say... She wants to go home. She needs to find home.

Picture Perfect Past

She lives most of her life in the present moment, the future moment, every moment... any moment not to remember the ones from the past. Yet, within each second of the present is a crystal clear picture of the past. And it hurts her soul to let them take center stage in her mind. She does not wish to re-evaluate the moments she let slip by out of fear. Doubt is the worst form of fear, it dominates the body as well as the soul. Doubt clouded judgments and left her shrouded in fear.

And now today is yesterday and tomorrow is today... but yesterday still haunts tomorrow...

Drowning Voices

I struggle with the depths of my convictions. I have never been, nor have I ever tolerated shallow pools, and yet, I realize the tendency for me to drown others in my thought processes. They expect to go wading through and suddenly find the floor gone and themselves sinking fast. So I try to invest in literary devices that help others stay afloat.

Her voice is my own... yet people prefer hers to mine so I use hers more often. She is a flotation device... and sometimes I wish I could just let her drown...

Out into the Universe

By definition, is a true romantic ever really hopeless?

Forever

To be loved is to have this person who accepts you unconditionally. To be loved is to have a pair of arms that you always fit into perfectly. To be loved is to have this person who looks at you and sees you, every time. To be loved is to have the other half of your soul. To be loved is to have this person who wants you because you are you. To be loved is what I want more than anything else in this universe.

Watcher

It is easier to be the driver, not because of the directional control, but because of the focus required. As a passenger, there is too much time... too much time to watch the world pass you by and explore the thoughts caused by such observations. When you are driving, you focus only on the road, but when you are riding the world forces itself into focus.

Color-blind

What once were green are guided by blue
Drowning in chocolate they seek out you
Waiting impatiently for the day they shall see
No longer color-blind... guided to thee

Passing Storm

You are trapped as the winds whip through you. Everything being trampled upon in the rush to escape the insanity of it all. A tornado rips past your soul trying to steal pieces along its way. There is no place to hide - stuck inside a glass house in the middle of a hail storm. Chaos...

Yet you stand.

Believing you are stronger than the winds, the hail, the storm.

So you stand.

Knowing that you will outlast the tribulations tossed about you.

Still you stand.

And the storm passes by

As you stand.

Finally Quitting

Josie had fought every instinct of her being to satisfy everyone else's. She'd spent a lifetime suppressing her own desires in order to fulfill the desires of others. It had been so long since she'd acknowledged herself that she'd forgotten how to fit inside her own skin. Only, she couldn't bury her true form forever, deny her true self. The mask, her carefully crafted mirage, was beginning to crack... and it was only a matter of time before her soul fought its way through to the surface... So, she did the only thing she could do - she quit fighting and set herself free.

That's when she discovered her destiny...

Destiny

Destiny does not wait... it is in every movement of every day. It is a guiding light... a magnetic pull towards itself...

How?

I am brilliant. I am beautiful. I am lost. How will I become found? How can this path possibly lead to the one place I want to be? How? Because I will be found. Because I am beautiful. Because I am brilliant. Because all it takes is one...

Eventually

Her joy watches from a distance, following her movements through the crowd. Her joy waits until she sees, until her attention is undivided. Time has moved slowly, separating them, but now they are together. Now, her life begins...

Two Beats

She knows she's better off like this, but it's what she doesn't know, that's what she's gonna miss.

She used to cry, used to wonder why, now she knows that all paths have a reason, and all pain has a season. She used to pray, she wouldn't push people away, but she knows the thoughts that rage inside her, would burn them up like fire.

She aches for a moment that is real, how much longer must she wait before she finally gets to feel?

She'll cry again, but all paths have to end, she may not know the reason, but this pain's a passing season. 'Cause everyday, her kindred souls still stay - the friends that stand beside her are ice against the fire.

She'll wait, cause she's better off like this, her moment is coming, she'll finally know bliss.

Because

She's smiling because her tomorrow is destined to be better than her yesterday and today is just a moment away from tomorrow...

Outcast Trendsetter

I spent most of my life trying to accomplish a goal I never really wanted to attain. I thought I wanted to fit in with those around me. During my youth, I always seemed to be out of step with everyone, in my thinking, my actions, my style. If I wore a red hat on Monday, it wasn't cool until Wednesday when I wore striped socks - which everyone had on Friday. As a child, I felt like an outcast - watching from the edge of society. And I was right, because I was on the edge, but it wasn't until I was an adult, that I came to appreciate which side of the edge I resided on - I wasn't the outcast. I was the trendsetter. I was the person other people wanted to be around because of my unique viewpoint. I was different and that was good. But they will come to see what I see eventually.... So, get ready to follow, because you never know when I'll display the next trend...

Castles in the Sky

Nothing is ever as simple as it appears on the cover. Even she, who seems to wear her passion like a suit of armor, is deeper than what the surface shows. Sometimes she wishes the pool was shallow. She sees other people content to dance on the ground and wonders why she has to fly among the clouds. She feels more than she says; sees more than she admits; wants more than she acknowledges.

Restless Cynical Black Heart...

She claims it's gone and buried, but that just isn't true. It waits beneath the surface, a nightmare come for you. She tells herself don't worry, the pain can't last for long; but all the time she's knowing that her heart will prove her wrong...

Cause it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart won't let her feel a thing.
Cause it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart will knock you out the ring.

She's gonna make you wonder is it worth this kind of fight? Are you in it for lifetime or only for tonight... Cause she'll always gonna be thinking: How is this gonna end? How can she find her true love, when her heart won't let him in...

Cause it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart won't let her feel a thing.
Cause it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart will knock you out the ring.

She steels herself for battle, she's been down this road before. Her body yearns for contact, but her heart is wanting more. She tries to see beyond it, she's trying not to feel. But her heart just isn't haven't it - it cries for something real...

Though it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart just wants to feel something.
Though it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart just wants to spread its wings.

Though it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart just wants to feel something.
Though it's restless, and it's cynical, her black heart just wants to spread its wings.

Puzzle Pieces

She’s been through this before so she just watches and waits… They start with the edges, examining each piece, lining her up according to what they think is right. Some people spend forever, just trying to get the outline of her. Others move on to searching for the connecting pieces of her soul. She lets them search, unbothered, because she knows this is where most people quit her. She’s become too difficult, she has too many pieces. She is impossible to solve… Yet there are some, a few brave souls, who struggle through, and put the last piece into place only to find that the image before them is a puzzle itself – piece after piece still waiting to find its match and after a lifetime of work, they are still left to wonder who she is… and she laughs, because she’s spent her lifetime wondering the exact same thing…

Laughter and Lust

It's always about what she craves. Desire burns through her soul and guides her, draws her like Holly Golightly to Tiffany's. When the world rushed past her, it offered Holly a place to rest, to renew. Her joy sprung forth within its walls, wrapping her in its peaceful glow. And yet Holly's sanctuary was constant, always waiting with open arms. Josie's sanctuary is unknown. She follows the heat of her desire waiting to see where it leads, finding comfort in the desire itself until she knows the reasoning behind it... Yet, not knowing does not diminish the joy it brings, does not diminish her lust; it intensifies it until she burns even more, moves even faster, to catch it...

Still Here

As long as she believes that the complications of life are still easier than the simplicity of death, she'll stick around.

Moments in the Woods

Let the moment go...
Don't forget it for a moment, though.
Just remembering you've had an "and",
When you're back to "or",
Makes the "or" mean more
Than it did before.

Into the Woods

Another moment brought to you by the soundtrack of her life:

She wasn't surprised by the deafening silence; being alone most of the time, Josie knew silence well. But it was always harder to hear nothing, after she'd heard so much...

Persona

Is she naming an invisible friend? In a way perhaps... perhaps as she is not naming the unknown-but the unseen. She knows this persona as well as she knows herself, for they are one spirit with two faces. She speaks of this persona as she speaks of herself, but it is time for some distance through familiarity. Today, this persona receives the gift of a name and meaning...

God will increase strength

Josephine Starke has no middle name and always goes by Josie...

Forever

She believes in it more than anything in the world. It's part of what helps her walk through the misery of now. She believes in the joy of forever. She believes in one who will take in sickness seriously because there are so few days in health sometimes. She believes in one who will not care about for richer or for poorer as long as there's enough money for their passions. She knows the passions of the one will not consume her, but include her. The one will wipe her tears away, and allow her to heal, and if she's very lucky she'll be able to do the same for the one who will bring her such comfort. To some forever is a long time... for her, it's just a moment... a beautiful, brilliant, moment that will keep her heart beating for a lifetime.

Winter Wonderland

A white blanket dusts over her as she falls asleep. It wraps her up, keeping her hidden from view while she renews herself. Once removed she will emerge altered, like a butterfly from a cocoon. No longer crawling across the earth searching, she'll fly through the air on delicate, but sturdy, wings-found. Her time is nearer than she once thought. The frost is almost gone...

Never Forgotten

Quite frequently she rails against the world - screaming at the top of her lungs in writing as she claims that few see her and among those who do even fewer understand... Most of the world punches at the walls she's put up and then scream in horror at the sights and sounds when they break through, piercing her heart like a searing poison. But let it never be thought that she has forgotten those who not only see, not only understand, but also embrace. It is the acceptance and love that those few souls provide that give her the strength to walk among the unseeing. For while the world forces her to hide the depths of her own soul, the few are the light that shine into her hiding place, keeping her safe in the dark, reminding her of the way back out. Without those few, her true self would be lost forever.

And so while she has once again crawled into the cellar; while she hides, waiting with her words, sounds, and vices, she is not alone. For the few wait with her, the few wait for her... to re-emerge and be...

Not Again

You'd think she'd know the road signs by now, have figured out she needed to turn around. But somehow she walked straight into the past. Finding the same moment, a joy that couldn't last. And she's back behind the wall, trying to avoid them all. Cause she tried be, to let them see, but they'll never set her free.

There is always more...

Her life is on repeat again. No, that isn't true...

Ever heard the song Stan by Eminem? Part of the track is lifted from Dido's Thank You. She loves both songs, but that is not the point... They represent her life. Dido is the song her life has been. It's been playing on repeat for years-meet people, people like her, people get to know her, people run away, repeat. So she remixed the record - she ran away, and for awhile she thought she heard a different song. Now she realizes the new song is still sampling from the old one. There's a twist though, a new beat, now no one knows who she is - she won't show them. So they just run away because of who they think she is. She is excluded, always excluded, even among those who call her "friend" and she pretends... pretends she doesn't notice, pretends she doesn't care... all the while burying the real her deeper, praying that the flood of tears won't reach her if she stays far beneath the surface. And the deeper she goes, the less chance there is that she'll ever find a new rhythm... or a real life...

More

I want more than this
So much of life I miss
I'm worth more than this
Got to find my bliss

Is it the people,
the places
the things I still can't see
That cut like
a deep knife
leaving scars all over me
Why can't I
be better
at letting my soul be
When all I
keep wanting
is to set myself free

I want more than this
So much of life I miss
I'm worth more than this
Got to find my bliss

I keep walking
and hoping
that one day I will find
The moment,
the person
who'll bring me peace of mind
Who'll know me
and see me
and never leave me behind
Who won't dream
without me
who'll give my life more time

Because I want more than this
There's so much of life I miss
And I'm worth so much more than this
Life's incomplete till I find my bliss...

Knowing

Some consider her fate impossible, but she speaks of it with a certainty that sounds superior because she knows the truth. Blue will lead her to the sound that will protect her for a lifetime. And finally, she will rest... safe.

Past

It is the lack of fear that causes more concern than having it.
Fear keeps you safe, hardens your heart
Without fear, there are tears and pain because the heart swells
It fills with love and compassion and opens itself
An open heart allows the soul to be breached - dangerous
Who understands the need for fear?

She'd analyzed the words - her own - before, of course... but her perspective was different now. Their meaning changed as her eyes adjusted to her current visions. No longer contradicting them, she now embraced them as truth. Her mind and her path both predetermined...

Bye, now...

She told you what would happen
Warned you that she wouldn't stay
Yet you still wanna act like
You never expected today

She warned you, she don't need you
Now she's gone...
Oh, she warned you, she don't want you
She moved on...

So let go of the memories
Cause she already has
Let go of the heartache
You're already memories past

Oh, she warned you, she don't need you
Now she's gone...
Darling, she warned you, she don't want you
She moved on...

So many reasons for the words. So many souls for them to apply to - with a a plethora of meanings behind them. And she means them in every way imaginable. She's tired of being the forgotten soul. She's tired of being the invisible acquaintance. She's tired of being the reliable shoulder when there's never one for her to rest her head upon. She is on a path to becoming the person she's always wanted to see in the mirror. Everyday, she sees more of who she really is looking back at her - the mask dropping from its long held place. She understands now. The one piece that is still missing is closer than ever before. Her waiting serves a greater purpose and her joy is immeasurable. For all these reasons, it is time to say good-bye. She's not coming back.

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

Reminders

She remembers why she wants to let go of everything and everyone, to disappear. She wouldn't be running this time, just leaving. Besides, if no one sees her when she's there, will they even notice when she's gone? She doesn't think so. It won't matter, in the end. So she might as well...